Look…this infatuation has gone on for too long and it hurts too much. All I can think when you’re walking away from me or I’m walking away from you or when you’re talking to some other girl is: I hate unrequited love. I’ve hated these past three-going-on-four years of unrequited love. Hated thinking of you every time I heard the word rejection. Unrequited love is a twelve-year old dialing a boy’s phone number. It’s her unconsciously memorizing that number. It’s her thinking about him all the time. Obsessed. It’s her trying to talk to him, trying to be cool. Always trying to be cool. It’s girl telling boy on the phone she likes him (more than a friend.) It’s when she tells him this, and then they both ignore each other for the rest of the year. It’s when girl still likes boy next school year, being paranoid that he’ll like her friend instead, and then she watches it actually happen. Watches them get together. Like a nightmare you’re scared of having unfold and become real in slow motion. It’s going to the same high school together and then convincing yourself you don’t like him anymore. That you’re done, that you’re good. But then you start talking more, and yeah, okay, flirting more and then you remember he’s funny, and cool, and sweet, and quirky, and he makes you feel so fucking happy, because you smile when he smiles and you smile whenever you think about him and your daily thoughts are “Oh, that reminds me of him,” or “If I said this, then he’d say this,” or “I love this song, would he like this song?” And that’s when I realized nothing had changed since the first day of seventh grade and I’m still here, and I’m still paranoid about you liking anyone else and thinking I’m weird, and I am still here trying to impress you all the time and god damn it I still know your stupid number by heart.
Reasons why we should never become a couple/would never work out: I am a very mean, serious, irresponsible, ignorant, self-righteous, and unreliable person to name a few, and you are a very kind, warm, funny, easy-going, always-laughs-things-off kind of person. I’m very jealous of that. I wish I could be more like you but that seems like something of your nature and that kind of personality on me would be very artificial. I’m not that much taller than you. But. I’m taller than you. If we were walking down a street together, and unless we were holding hands or something ridiculous like that, no one would think we’re together. People wouldn’t go: Oh, what a cute couple! Maybe they wouldn’t think about us at all. If we ever did become a thing, my heart probably couldn’t take it because I would always be comparing myself to Bethany. I would always be questioning myself. “Did he do this with her?” or, “Did she act like this with him?” “What was their first kiss like? Did he like it? Does he not like mine?” “Did he like her body better?” (A list inside a list: I am jealous of Bethany and your relationship with her because I like you more/ liked you much longer than she ever did. She’s skinny and small and blonde and you guys looked like a real couple, a cute couple, whereas again, we would look nothing like a couple. I tried so very hard to not be annoying and obvious and flirty yet Bethany was full on out annoying, obvious, and flirty, everything I didn't want to become and you still liked her and not me.) Couples annoy me. Romance annoys me. Love is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever felt.
I think I can conclude this letter you will never read by saying I still have feelings for you. I think the familiarity and the longevity of this thing I have for you won’t ever truly go away. I think I’ll always you know, love you. Care for you. I don’t think I’ll ever get over you and I don’t think something will ever happen between us. I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s just how it is and that’s how it’s going to stay. I’m okay with that, I really am. I am okay with unrequited love. I am okay with me loving you and you not loving me. That’s just how it is and that’s how it’s going to stay.
Killa Heredia Bratt