UMLÄUT 2020 - THE PANDEMIC ISSUE

MASKS
Otto Handler

7 Things the Spectre of Death Cannot Stand
Inspiration from Ji Kang

  1. I have always disliked when people make a lot of noise upon my appearance. It freaks me out and makes my job a lot harder than it needs to be. I’m not even that scary, I’m just a guy wearing a skeleton mask and a long black robe. I’ve seen movies where more scary things happen than death. 

  2. Dysfunctional objects. I have no tolerance for these distractions. My work requires precision and accuracy. If I am using a pencil, if the lead breaks, I expect it to stop breaking when I sharpen it, if it refuses to yield to my wishes, then it is of no further use to me. 

  3. I am summoned to my clients. Unfortunately the program I use to receive clients has no do not disturb. It wakes me up in the morning and I can’t deal with it sometimes.

  4. Cliché poems. The world is full of them. My clients are always reading them to me before I provide my services and it annoys me. They are mostly by some old Italian guys that got famous for doing that about a century ago, and people have been reciting them to me since, but to each their own. 

  5. My robes need to be properly pressed and removed of all un-holy lint. This is a task that usually falls to my other resident demons, but in this task they fail miserably. 

  6. My assistant, a resident demon named Minnesota, has a tendency to pile papers on my desk when he revives them from heaven or hell. These papers have grown into five separate stacks on my desk, all reach toward the never-ending ceiling. I suppose this complaint is a little more my fault than it is his, I did tell him in his contract. 

  7. Unwanted advice is nothing I cannot stand. People are always advising me to “change my ways” but I like my job and it quite literally keeps me on this planet and in this realm of existence. This is a favorite phrase that my clients like to say before they receive my services. It’s up there on the “great” list with “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” I’m out of things to complain about.